OVER THE REC HE SCORES ALL SEVEN GOALS.

HE OPENS BOTTLES OF GUINNESS WITH HIS TEETH.

HE HANDLES THE LOT OF THEM, ALL ON HIS OWN.

HE HAS EVERYBODY IN STITCHES ALL SATURDAY NIGHT LONG.

SUNDAY DINNERTIME HE JUST NEVER MISSES ON DOUBLE TOPS.

HE BURIES HIS NEW JEANS IN THE GARDEN OVERNIGHT, OBTAINING THE BEST PATINA IN TOWN.

WALKING ALONG THE HIGH STREET HE FARTS VERY LOUDLY AT EVERY OLD LADY THAT HE MEETS.

HE BULLSHITS THE FOREMAN INTO PUTTING HIM DOWN FOR TEN HOURS OVERTIME THAT HE NEVER DID.

HE ACQUIRES THE BEST TATTOO THAT ANY OF HIS FRIENDS HAVE EVER SEEN, AND IT DOESN'T COST HIM A PENNY.

AT THE BEGINNING OF THE AFTERNOON HE HAS A RUN OF TWO WINNERS, TWO DOUBLES, A TREBLE AND A YANKEE.

EJECTED FROM THE DANCE HALL FIVE TIMES IN JUST ONE EVENING, HE STILL MANAGES TO GET BACK INSIDE EACH TIME.

HE IS SOMEHOW KEEPING SIX DIFFERENT BIRDS ON THE GO AT ONCE, AND AN EXTRA ONE SPECIALLY FOR SHAGGING ON WEDNESDAYS.

DURING THE LAST COMPLETE PERFORMANCE HE SUCCEEDS IN TITTING UP FOURTEEN DIFFERENT GIRLS IN THE DARK. THIS IS A RECORD.

COMING HOME VERY LATE AT NIGHT, HE SMASHES IN EVERY WINDOW OF EVERY TELEPHONE BOX THAT HE PASSES. IT IS A FIVE MILE WALK.

IN SPITE OF CONSIDERABLE COMPETITION, HE IS THE FIRST ONE TO CROSS THE DESERT WHEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT IN THE APPROVED SCHOOL DORMITORY.

HE STANDS UP IN CLASS AND, TO GREAT APPLAUSE, CHINS THE ART TEACHER - THE ONE REMAINING TEACHER IN SCHOOL THAT HE HASN'T YET DEALT WITH.

HE MAKES UP A SONG, MORE OR LESS ON THE SPUR OF THE MOMENT. HE SINGS IT ONCE, VERY LOUDLY. THEN THE WHOLE CROWD SINGS IT. IT IS HIS SIXTH COMPOSITION THIS SEASON.

HE THROWS HIS HALF-EATEN STEAK AND KIDNEY PIE RIGHT ACROSS WOOLWORTH'S ON A BUSY SATURDAY AFTERNOON. HE DOESN'T MISS: IT CATCHES THE EFFEMINATE MAN RIGHT IN THE EAR.

EVEN THOUGH THIS FRIDAY TWO BILL HAPPEN TO BE IN THE CORNER SHOP, INVESTIGATING COMPLAINTS, HE STILL LIFTS HIS WEEKLY FORTY CIGARETTES. IN FACT THIS TIME, JUST FOR A LAUGH, HE MAKES IT EIGHTY.

IN TWO HOURS HE DRINKS FIVE LIGHT AND BITTERS, THREE RUM AND BLACKS, TWO BOTTLES OF LAGER, A DOUBLE SCOTCH, A PINT AND A HALF OF MACKESON, FOUR VODKAS AND LIME, A GIN AND TONIC AND A TIA MARIA.